Moving Out, Moving On

I moved out of my first apartment. It was super emotional and symbolic.

Soaking up the last of the living room.

I'm going to dance around a lot of things as I write this because I'm stilllll not quite comfortable being THAT vulnerable on the internet. But the emotions in this blog post are raw, forget the context.

Honestly, if you know about me, you know. And if you don't, apply my words to your own life and you'll realize the really cool shared phenomenon we have called being human and experiencing what my boyfriend calls "the full range of human emotion".

I was bombarded by the full range of human emotion as I stood in the center of my empty bedroom. Two years of my existence were spent in that room. Not even the apartment. That. Godforsaken. Room. I moved into Kenilworth 107B in August 2022, a freshly 20 year old girl whose life was in legiteral shambles.

My depression is measured by the amount of laundry on my floor.

At the time of my arrival to the first room on the left in apartment 107B, I had lost control of the trajectory of my life and had only dabbled with the idea of admitting it. I was living super fast, in a rush to get nowhere.

So you can imagine the tension in the room as I stood where I once stood two years ago, a completely different girl.

The moment in question as captured by Gorgi.

The past two years flashed in my memory. A supercut featuring all of the pain & suffering & love & heartache & decay & regrowth that's gone down there. I felt it all at once. I can only assume that's how Jonah felt at the end of The Giver. Friends and more than friends have come and gone while I occupied that room; I felt my relationship to each one of them course through me. I felt everything that comes along with love and friendship. I also felt everything that comes with being alone. At last, I FELT.

I never allowed myself to feel those emotions in the moment. I couldn't stand the discomfort of it all. But boy, did I feel them the day I moved out! I don't cry much. I haven't for a while because I fooled myself into thinking it was a sign of weakness. But I've come to learn that sometimes it's what your body needs.

The dam in my tearducts burst at this final sentimental moment, despite my trained reflexes' best efforts. I tried to just let myself cry, because I'm leaving that place as a brand new woman who knows the importance of catharsis. But even with my newfound emotional intelligence, I curtailed my sob sesh. I told myself it was to spare Lena, who had graciously come to help me clean, the awkwardness of watching your friend cry. But I think I aborted my tears for my own escape from the discomfort of feeeeeeeeling.

I've always felt with much fervor. Good things felt divine while the bad things felt like being dragged through the pits of a stalagmite-covered hell. You get hung up on those trips through the pits, so much so that you forget what those good things even felt like. And when all you're thinking about is the bad, you start to manifest more negativity. Drowning in negativity is enough to have you scrambling to numb the pain and just get the F out of that mindset. The happiness I once had the capacity to feel was the sacrificial lamb at the altar of The Easy Way Out. Lol that was so unnecessarily metaphorical but basically I'm just trying to say: numbing the anguish means feeling numb to everything, which sucks. It's comfortable, but it's lame and it is artificial humanity.

Before I left, I caressed the wall above where my head had laid to rest each night. More thick teardrops flowed down my cheeks. More intensity shivered down my spine. I embraced Lena who knows how much leaving that place means to me and just gets it in general. I'm really glad she was there on move out day or else I would have probably lingered in that room where my presence is no longer needed.

Why are you being so damn dramatic, Sara? You may be wondering this.

BECAUSE!!! I am undergoing some serious life changes right now. I've earned my degree, begun working full time, captured myself a wonderful man who treats me with unprecedented respect, and now I've moved out...as we know. The universe is shifting in my favor. And after years of the toughest battles, I've proven myself as one of the strongest soldiers. Bring on the good times! That's how it works, right? I've done my time so now I get rewarded? That's not really how life works but let's pretend. The mind controls reality, remember? I deserve this moment of peace, love, and happiness before the next wave of life's trials hits.

My favorite horoscope account has been promising a positive future for Taurus, so I'm running with that. I'm bursting with creativity and ideas and excitement for what's to come. And most importantly, MOTIVATION to be the best version of myself. The more I approach that version of Sara, the more blessings I expect to come my way.

With all of this said, wish me luck as I navigate the vast unknown. I don't need it, but it's nice to know that people are rooting for me. I have so many people in my life right now who support my dreams wholeheartedly. For all of you, I am so grateful. I won't let you down!

TTFN & TYSM for reading,

Sara